It's funny how journeys begin and how they press on. The combinations of events that change and mold you. It's almost like certain things were placed there for the sole purpose of direction, mold ability, and design. But no matter how perfect it seems to line up for us, there will always be that part of you that wants to resist design. That tries to convince you that comfort is what is wanted. But if our heart is in our head, than we should crave that design like a starving child. We should drip and reek of passion that is so contagious it overwhelms. Knowing this then, the only question left is, what is your design?
Life is not about coincidences, but about seeing through the pain and smiles and what it's leading you to. Your design is like a magnet every pulling you in. And yet, despite the powerful properties of a magnet, we still choose to fight it. And we wonder why we are so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been resisting that pull, without even knowing it. So I've reached a point where exhaustion has set in and surrender is inevitable. I'm going to fall towards the pull of my designer and continue on this journey. I am headed back to Asia mid March to work with a girl's home I have become burdened for miles away, and I cannot begin to explain my excitement, happiness, and nervousness of following what I feel like for the first time is part of my design. My life has been a series of events that maybe just maybe have led me to this. The permeation of my soul and the surrender to my design. As for now that is all I know, a small truth I will hold onto ever so tightly.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year Craziness
It's the new year and with that comes wanting to sharpen and better oneself. There is just something about starting fresh and wanting to try again at the things we probably screwed up last year.......that drives people mad. Craziness is in the air, from wanting to be healthier, smarter, and even more (I guess you could say) spiritual. All these things we want to be. To be better at. But it seems like they are all things that we 'want'.
Right now I am working in a juice bar for a health store.....so I am a personal witness to the increase in number of people's interest in fresh juices and wanting to be healthier. And today, as I was fulfilling my normal juice duties....a beautified soul was talking with me and at the end of our conversation that consisted of mainly juice, she said these words that honestly kinda stuck. They were not words like everyone else says which usually are, "Happy New Year, hopefully you get what you want this year." She said to me......" I hope this New Year brings the things you don't even think you want, may it be blessed and beautiful." So I began to think about.....the things I don't think I want? What could that be? And then I began to think that was exactly it. All the things we usually shy away from, are the things that sharpen us and mold us. How can one know pleasure without first experiencing pain? So I have to ask you.....If you want all of the new things with the new year...... then sometimes you have to have what you don't think you want. It might take you down roads that seem the wrong way. So don't be afraid in this new start.....to take risks and get a little messy. My view of the new year has changed a little, in that instead of getting excited that I get to start fresh and new....I'm excited that I might struggle once again through some things because that is all a part of the refining process. I'll be honest, this past year has not been all sunshine and rainbows. For those of you that know me, can testify that this year has been the hardest challenges for me and Jake. Life has thrown us curve balls, and we still are somewhat sorting everything out from 2012. But it's funny, cause despite all the left turns when we thought we should go right......we grew and grew and grew. So, yes, want things for this new year, but also grow to accept the things you don't want.....because in reality they will lead to that end goal.
Right now I am working in a juice bar for a health store.....so I am a personal witness to the increase in number of people's interest in fresh juices and wanting to be healthier. And today, as I was fulfilling my normal juice duties....a beautified soul was talking with me and at the end of our conversation that consisted of mainly juice, she said these words that honestly kinda stuck. They were not words like everyone else says which usually are, "Happy New Year, hopefully you get what you want this year." She said to me......" I hope this New Year brings the things you don't even think you want, may it be blessed and beautiful." So I began to think about.....the things I don't think I want? What could that be? And then I began to think that was exactly it. All the things we usually shy away from, are the things that sharpen us and mold us. How can one know pleasure without first experiencing pain? So I have to ask you.....If you want all of the new things with the new year...... then sometimes you have to have what you don't think you want. It might take you down roads that seem the wrong way. So don't be afraid in this new start.....to take risks and get a little messy. My view of the new year has changed a little, in that instead of getting excited that I get to start fresh and new....I'm excited that I might struggle once again through some things because that is all a part of the refining process. I'll be honest, this past year has not been all sunshine and rainbows. For those of you that know me, can testify that this year has been the hardest challenges for me and Jake. Life has thrown us curve balls, and we still are somewhat sorting everything out from 2012. But it's funny, cause despite all the left turns when we thought we should go right......we grew and grew and grew. So, yes, want things for this new year, but also grow to accept the things you don't want.....because in reality they will lead to that end goal.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Permeate my Soul
So I have recently been given this eye opening-soul hurtin read by the wonderful Watchman Nee. I must say....at first it was something that I could kinda relate too, and saw the areas in which my life needed some altering. And it has formed into this soul wrenching....I cry on every page type of read. In this book....Release of the Spirit, Watchman Nee describes us as a three part being, body, soul, and spirit. Usually we live out of our soul, letting things like our mind, will, and emotions govern our every move. But until we let our Spirit move and permeate the soul.....we will never reach the place where we are supposed to be. Now for me....I like to reflect and look back, not to think 'what if' and wonder, but to see if there is fruit. And as I read this book, it seemed that I was living in the soul. Now living in this realm can kinda be deceiving because good things can happen here. You can look like you got it all together, shoot for things that others aren't, and accomplish a lot. But if the Soul is not permeated by the Spirit, His Spirit more importantly we have failed. So I have reached a new low, in that it doesn't matter if my soul wants to free the oppressed, fight for injustice, and will all these good things. If I'm not permeated by HIM....I am lost. Religion kinda screws it up in that....this Maker of All wants simply a prayer. No, He wants to permeate you in such a way, where you get lost in finding you in Him. Total Surrender.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Into the Desert
When Christ went into the desert I wonder what others thought? Did they think he was crazy? Or maybe even a little irresponsible. Part of me wants to think that it didn't really matter what others thought, but we have to remember that this was at the start of his ministry. And a strong beginning is always important.
This past month and the start of this crazy journey has been one that might have looked crazy to the ones around us, and sometimes even to me. But walking away, quitting my job and being able to listen and be quiet away from everything that seems so familiar has been so eye opening. It has been a knee dropping experience that I have found myself baffled at the greatness of God. Everything that we sought out to learn, God replaced with what He wanted us to learn. So on my knees I can say that the mere plans of man are nothing in the eyes of the God of the Universe. A beautiful woman described me as a wild horse the other day, and it was something that was a good reminder for me. And this wild in me doesn't want to be domesticated. It doesn't want to fight for new shoes or a mortgage. It wants to fight for the mouths not being fed, for the women who are forced into the industry, and for the little ones that are voiceless. And it seems like every time I head down the road to domestication I flare up and can't handle it. But yet true submission to a master never seems to go against the wild in me. It almost fits like that was what I was created for. So how can the two exist? How can something wild want to be domesticated under the right master? And this is where I find myself...... The desire to not be domesticated fits within the reign and rule of the master of the Universe. If it doesn't than we are being domesticated by the wrong masters.
So being on this journey that seems crazy...the Spirit wants me to submit to the plans I haven't made. And for me this is extremely hard. So walking into the desert was hard but coming back and submitting to the full and complete authority of Christ is gonna be even harder. But submission is what we are called to do. And through this then God can take that wildness and use it for His purpose. This is what I'm learning in this funny class of life. My prayer is that I will be filled with so much of the Spirit that my thoughts are not my own. And that my knees hurt so much from seeking after what my Master wants that I begin to forget what I want.
This past month and the start of this crazy journey has been one that might have looked crazy to the ones around us, and sometimes even to me. But walking away, quitting my job and being able to listen and be quiet away from everything that seems so familiar has been so eye opening. It has been a knee dropping experience that I have found myself baffled at the greatness of God. Everything that we sought out to learn, God replaced with what He wanted us to learn. So on my knees I can say that the mere plans of man are nothing in the eyes of the God of the Universe. A beautiful woman described me as a wild horse the other day, and it was something that was a good reminder for me. And this wild in me doesn't want to be domesticated. It doesn't want to fight for new shoes or a mortgage. It wants to fight for the mouths not being fed, for the women who are forced into the industry, and for the little ones that are voiceless. And it seems like every time I head down the road to domestication I flare up and can't handle it. But yet true submission to a master never seems to go against the wild in me. It almost fits like that was what I was created for. So how can the two exist? How can something wild want to be domesticated under the right master? And this is where I find myself...... The desire to not be domesticated fits within the reign and rule of the master of the Universe. If it doesn't than we are being domesticated by the wrong masters.
So being on this journey that seems crazy...the Spirit wants me to submit to the plans I haven't made. And for me this is extremely hard. So walking into the desert was hard but coming back and submitting to the full and complete authority of Christ is gonna be even harder. But submission is what we are called to do. And through this then God can take that wildness and use it for His purpose. This is what I'm learning in this funny class of life. My prayer is that I will be filled with so much of the Spirit that my thoughts are not my own. And that my knees hurt so much from seeking after what my Master wants that I begin to forget what I want.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Wow it's been a year since my last blog....
Wow.....I cannot even believe that my last post was in November of last year!!! Time, time, where have you gone? Well, where to begin as to what has happened lately..... Lets see..... it seems as if it has been a roller coaster of events and experiences. However every single thing looks to have been bringing me baby steps closer to purpose and meaning. I begin to think back recalling moments and things God has revealed in this past year, and honestly I could really write a book about them all.
In a nut shell here we go.....Jake left for the military which was hard on it's own and through that whole process God taught me how to once again be content with just God- not an easy lesson to learn when married. But through God's grace he has left the military to come out a changed man with ambitions and dreams that only God could have given. Those months seemed trying and confusing but oh so filled with the Spirit. My prayer during those months consisted of three things, that God would give confirmation, that vision would be shown, and that purpose be revealed. And Oh How Great is our God! Confirmation was given, vision shown, and only through all these things is purpose just now being revealed. Life is funny sometimes and only through laughter do you get from one trying moment to the next. But this is what I've come to learn.....Darkness does not want Light to overthrow....so it will do everything in it's power to stop this. But knowing the power of Christ lives in us should repel us to continue to Shine....even if it seems like we can't.
As of recently God has given me and Jake a passion to seek deeper than surface level issues. Just having a good heart and feeding the poor doesn't necessarily mean its good. God wants more. When we sat down and looked at the God of the Bible, He is a jealous God wanting everything. His relationship with the Israelites was one that required a lot but it is a beautiful example of the magnitude of it all. So how do you reach someone beyond just giving them a meal and a bed. It's like the old saying, you can either feed a man a fish or teach a man to fish. We want to teach, live among and fill people with the Spirit. So we are on this crazy journey trying to figure out how to teach, how to fill with the Spirit. And in this past month, I have learned so much....it seems I can't keep it in. God is filling us up with desires I never knew I had or wanted.
Then there is also that it has been almost two years since I returned from Asia and the visions given there seem to be coming to fruition even now. Me, being this impatient person I am, I want to hurry along God's plan. And in God's humor it has been two years of just preparation and learning which needed to happen. I can honestly say that every moment I have wanted to just get on a plane and return, but yet God has been like, "Youre not ready!" Through this past year I have learned to be quiet. I have learned that regardless of whatever you have planned- God has in mind what He wants, so you can either submit or be miserable. I have learned to love and cherish the sovereignty of God, and to find humor through messing up. If we are walking in the Spirit, life won't be how you expect it to be, so we need to stop planning. I've come to realize that I don't in any way want my life to look planned and organized out. I want to follow the red letters in the Bible in such a way that if it means my life doesn't follow what may look like 'success' than so be it.
It's funny though because during the refining process it seems I always want to jump off the potters wheel before He's done with me. But I seem to forget that if I do that I'll be all lumpy and unfinished. These past two years I have prayed for purpose and forgot sometimes that when God is forming the pot, He is giving it purpose! So in this.....I can have Joy, unspeakable amounts of Joy!
In the end what is a year of a man's life? Well hopefully if we are being filled with the Spirit daily, that life begins to look like something. Because lets just be honest.....Life is messy. We don't start out looking like a beautiful pot. We start out looking like a pile of clay. And only through God's grace do we start to take form. This year though has been one of remembering to stay on the wheel until He's done with me. And I'm still on it, waiting and waiting. So until next blog, still waiting, learning, and soaking it all up.
In a nut shell here we go.....Jake left for the military which was hard on it's own and through that whole process God taught me how to once again be content with just God- not an easy lesson to learn when married. But through God's grace he has left the military to come out a changed man with ambitions and dreams that only God could have given. Those months seemed trying and confusing but oh so filled with the Spirit. My prayer during those months consisted of three things, that God would give confirmation, that vision would be shown, and that purpose be revealed. And Oh How Great is our God! Confirmation was given, vision shown, and only through all these things is purpose just now being revealed. Life is funny sometimes and only through laughter do you get from one trying moment to the next. But this is what I've come to learn.....Darkness does not want Light to overthrow....so it will do everything in it's power to stop this. But knowing the power of Christ lives in us should repel us to continue to Shine....even if it seems like we can't.
As of recently God has given me and Jake a passion to seek deeper than surface level issues. Just having a good heart and feeding the poor doesn't necessarily mean its good. God wants more. When we sat down and looked at the God of the Bible, He is a jealous God wanting everything. His relationship with the Israelites was one that required a lot but it is a beautiful example of the magnitude of it all. So how do you reach someone beyond just giving them a meal and a bed. It's like the old saying, you can either feed a man a fish or teach a man to fish. We want to teach, live among and fill people with the Spirit. So we are on this crazy journey trying to figure out how to teach, how to fill with the Spirit. And in this past month, I have learned so much....it seems I can't keep it in. God is filling us up with desires I never knew I had or wanted.
Then there is also that it has been almost two years since I returned from Asia and the visions given there seem to be coming to fruition even now. Me, being this impatient person I am, I want to hurry along God's plan. And in God's humor it has been two years of just preparation and learning which needed to happen. I can honestly say that every moment I have wanted to just get on a plane and return, but yet God has been like, "Youre not ready!" Through this past year I have learned to be quiet. I have learned that regardless of whatever you have planned- God has in mind what He wants, so you can either submit or be miserable. I have learned to love and cherish the sovereignty of God, and to find humor through messing up. If we are walking in the Spirit, life won't be how you expect it to be, so we need to stop planning. I've come to realize that I don't in any way want my life to look planned and organized out. I want to follow the red letters in the Bible in such a way that if it means my life doesn't follow what may look like 'success' than so be it.
It's funny though because during the refining process it seems I always want to jump off the potters wheel before He's done with me. But I seem to forget that if I do that I'll be all lumpy and unfinished. These past two years I have prayed for purpose and forgot sometimes that when God is forming the pot, He is giving it purpose! So in this.....I can have Joy, unspeakable amounts of Joy!
In the end what is a year of a man's life? Well hopefully if we are being filled with the Spirit daily, that life begins to look like something. Because lets just be honest.....Life is messy. We don't start out looking like a beautiful pot. We start out looking like a pile of clay. And only through God's grace do we start to take form. This year though has been one of remembering to stay on the wheel until He's done with me. And I'm still on it, waiting and waiting. So until next blog, still waiting, learning, and soaking it all up.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
A Long time coming
It's been a while since I've typed madly away at my keyboard, but Ive returned with thoughts that have been haunting me ever since my last entry. As I was reading my last couple blogs, I was brought back to that feeling of frustration and a simple fall at your knees state of mind at the spiral of re-entry into this blessed Nation. It is a shocking type feeling, and almost puts you in a helpless state, where all you want to do is cry. And believe me.....I did plenty of that when I returned. Not because I didn't want to come back, but because I knew coming back meant, I couldn't have the people, passions, and smells of Asia.
But now that time has passed, it is a different type of feeling. Shock is gone, helplessness has passed, and now it is desperation. You see once the heart has seen truth it knows when presented with falsehood and fake-ness. It can no longer settle for scraps. Now, in the minds of many, I live a blessed cursed life. I know what true living looks like, and will be miserable if I'm not living that every day. But you see, I believe that a life where the eyes look through Rose colored glass, is not a life at all. I don't want to live with ignorance as bliss. And so I find myself between a rock and a hard place, desperately seeking what's next, hoping that truth finds me once again.
I want to say that I want things that are normal. I want to say that I want to buy a house with a white fence, get a puppy and cook dinner for my amazing husband every night. But these things fit as if I'm trying to shove my foot in a shoe two sizes to small. And to most of you, this will be misinterpreted as if I'm miserable with the life I have. And I would answer with, I am so blessed with this life. I have one of the most courageous man I've ever known as a husband, who is actively choosing to fight and train to be a Green Beret Soldier for the United States Military. I have a loving and supportive family, that is constantly pouring blessings over me. I have enough food at home, and way to get to work, and a bed to sleep in. But despite all these things.......the heart knows. For a while I've prayed that God would give me passion, that He would stir a fire in my soul.......and I honestly beleive I know what that passion looks like. Sometimes we seek and seek and seek. And forget to look at what's in front of us. I don't want to give excuse at that end of this short life for the things I let slip by me, becasue I thought I was seeking after what God wanted. I don't want to walk by my burning bush.......and miss out on all the blessings God would have given me. So even though I find myself in this hard place I know that truth and goodness will win, and that settling for crumbs is no longer an option. So I desperately will fight for truth and run along side these passions that have been given until I can run no longer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A8almp_nCU&feature=related
But now that time has passed, it is a different type of feeling. Shock is gone, helplessness has passed, and now it is desperation. You see once the heart has seen truth it knows when presented with falsehood and fake-ness. It can no longer settle for scraps. Now, in the minds of many, I live a blessed cursed life. I know what true living looks like, and will be miserable if I'm not living that every day. But you see, I believe that a life where the eyes look through Rose colored glass, is not a life at all. I don't want to live with ignorance as bliss. And so I find myself between a rock and a hard place, desperately seeking what's next, hoping that truth finds me once again.
I want to say that I want things that are normal. I want to say that I want to buy a house with a white fence, get a puppy and cook dinner for my amazing husband every night. But these things fit as if I'm trying to shove my foot in a shoe two sizes to small. And to most of you, this will be misinterpreted as if I'm miserable with the life I have. And I would answer with, I am so blessed with this life. I have one of the most courageous man I've ever known as a husband, who is actively choosing to fight and train to be a Green Beret Soldier for the United States Military. I have a loving and supportive family, that is constantly pouring blessings over me. I have enough food at home, and way to get to work, and a bed to sleep in. But despite all these things.......the heart knows. For a while I've prayed that God would give me passion, that He would stir a fire in my soul.......and I honestly beleive I know what that passion looks like. Sometimes we seek and seek and seek. And forget to look at what's in front of us. I don't want to give excuse at that end of this short life for the things I let slip by me, becasue I thought I was seeking after what God wanted. I don't want to walk by my burning bush.......and miss out on all the blessings God would have given me. So even though I find myself in this hard place I know that truth and goodness will win, and that settling for crumbs is no longer an option. So I desperately will fight for truth and run along side these passions that have been given until I can run no longer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A8almp_nCU&feature=related
Monday, June 20, 2011
Brought back with a Cup of Coffee
It's been weeks since I've returned to this blessed Nation, and sometimes I still find myself looking for a mo-ped, or getting really excited when I see an Asian family in Target. But the other day I was sitting in the coffee shop making mochas and lattes, when I noticed an Asian lady sitting at the bus stop right outside of our building. She kept glancing over her shoulder to look at our building, sending me smiles as if she wanted to say something. So I opened the window and yelled, Would you like some coffee while you wait? She got off the bench and hurried over to my window. She answered with a smile, so I began making this lady some coffee. She then asked how much it was...and I answered....it's on us.....but she looked confused. So I answered....free....free. She then knew, understood, and gave me the widest grin I had seen in a long time. Her bus pulled up and she had to scurry away. A couple days later this same woman appeared at the bus stop again. I didn't have to say anything she came running up to the window with a bag. I opened the window and said hello, and she handed me a silk bag with a scarf in it, which was her thank you for the coffee the other day. The writing on the scarf looked Thai, so I asked where she was from and believe it or not....you'll never guess......Thailand! So we began talking this broken English which I became so found of. We began talking about Thailand....and I told her I had just returned.....and that I missed it so much! It was as if in that moment the simplicity and pureness of life was brought back to me in a conversation. Since then I have found out that daily she waits at the bus stop to go to English class at a local University....and her entire family has been in the States for about 19 years. I look forward to these conversations daily.....and know that this is not by coincidence. With every simple word we speak to each other....whether its about English class or Pad Thia....I am reminded of those four months.
Sometimes I ask myself why is it that I want to feel again what was there. And its simple..... because there was power in the pure simple life I found over there. And because it seemed like God was in everything...from a walk to the convenient store to feeding a starving child. So then I found myself asking why don't I feel that here? And maybe it's because we cover and chock out that pureness with non eternal things. I want every part of me to seek after the Kingdom...and not just on Sunday mornings. I am revived and feel as if the coldness of America has died out......and blood flows through me again. The truth I found in Asia has returned to me...through a simple cup of coffee.
Sometimes I ask myself why is it that I want to feel again what was there. And its simple..... because there was power in the pure simple life I found over there. And because it seemed like God was in everything...from a walk to the convenient store to feeding a starving child. So then I found myself asking why don't I feel that here? And maybe it's because we cover and chock out that pureness with non eternal things. I want every part of me to seek after the Kingdom...and not just on Sunday mornings. I am revived and feel as if the coldness of America has died out......and blood flows through me again. The truth I found in Asia has returned to me...through a simple cup of coffee.
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