It's been a while since I've typed madly away at my keyboard, but Ive returned with thoughts that have been haunting me ever since my last entry. As I was reading my last couple blogs, I was brought back to that feeling of frustration and a simple fall at your knees state of mind at the spiral of re-entry into this blessed Nation. It is a shocking type feeling, and almost puts you in a helpless state, where all you want to do is cry. And believe me.....I did plenty of that when I returned. Not because I didn't want to come back, but because I knew coming back meant, I couldn't have the people, passions, and smells of Asia.
But now that time has passed, it is a different type of feeling. Shock is gone, helplessness has passed, and now it is desperation. You see once the heart has seen truth it knows when presented with falsehood and fake-ness. It can no longer settle for scraps. Now, in the minds of many, I live a blessed cursed life. I know what true living looks like, and will be miserable if I'm not living that every day. But you see, I believe that a life where the eyes look through Rose colored glass, is not a life at all. I don't want to live with ignorance as bliss. And so I find myself between a rock and a hard place, desperately seeking what's next, hoping that truth finds me once again.
I want to say that I want things that are normal. I want to say that I want to buy a house with a white fence, get a puppy and cook dinner for my amazing husband every night. But these things fit as if I'm trying to shove my foot in a shoe two sizes to small. And to most of you, this will be misinterpreted as if I'm miserable with the life I have. And I would answer with, I am so blessed with this life. I have one of the most courageous man I've ever known as a husband, who is actively choosing to fight and train to be a Green Beret Soldier for the United States Military. I have a loving and supportive family, that is constantly pouring blessings over me. I have enough food at home, and way to get to work, and a bed to sleep in. But despite all these things.......the heart knows. For a while I've prayed that God would give me passion, that He would stir a fire in my soul.......and I honestly beleive I know what that passion looks like. Sometimes we seek and seek and seek. And forget to look at what's in front of us. I don't want to give excuse at that end of this short life for the things I let slip by me, becasue I thought I was seeking after what God wanted. I don't want to walk by my burning bush.......and miss out on all the blessings God would have given me. So even though I find myself in this hard place I know that truth and goodness will win, and that settling for crumbs is no longer an option. So I desperately will fight for truth and run along side these passions that have been given until I can run no longer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A8almp_nCU&feature=related
