It's been a long time coming

Where to even begin, where has this year gone, and how have I only wrote two post this year? All I can say is that life has been happening, reflection, learning, and new things have all been brought with this year. So I apologize for the lack of post and my absence, however I will say it was nice to be away from it all. It has given me time to think before I speak (or write in this case) and to truly think about what I want to pursue, what God wants of me, and what that actually looks like. So to recap on it all to bring you all up to date....

So back in May we ended up leaving Thailand due to our visas being up, and the fact that we hadn't really seen our families in about two years. So with many tears and this feeling of a sad yet certain divine intervention, we got on that plane home.

How amazing was it to see family, to be around the ones that love you unconditionally. Personally I had missed out on many huge events in my family's lives. My sisters wedding, her whole pregnancy, the birth of her first child. I missed being around my precious grandparents, the love of my aunts and cousins, and my gorgeous Indian momma and strong papa. I absolutely love my family and to be around them was something that I had missed being in Thailand.

Since I've been back it's like my heart though is still left in Thailand. Although I'm around all the ones I love and all the things that feel like home, my home just seems to be some place else. But then I began to think about whether or not it's actually that my home is someplace else or if it's just the type of lifestyle that I feel the most home with. I loved the way of living in Thailand. So simple, so easy. Something that I came to value among anything else. At this point in my life you couldn't tempt me with any amount of luxury or over the top lifestyle, my heart truly lives wholly in a no air condition room, in a hammock, and walking to the market kinda way. So having this knowledge about now what I truly value, made me begin to think. What is this whole living concept all about? How can I wholefully live this life? And more importantly can I give this whole-full living to others?

My past has always been centered around teaching. I mean that's what I got my Bachelors in, that's what I did in Thailand, it's always the thing that has been a constant theme in my life. However I am constantly being brought back to what am I really teaching people? What do I want to teach people? And after living in Thailand and seeing other parts of the world I can say with a shred of confidence that I want to teach people this wholelistic lifestyle.
How to live simply. How to value time instead of possessions. How the body lives wholly when we put food from the earth in it. How the earth can actually heal our bodies, instead of over the counter prescriptions. How to quiet our minds long enough for their Maker to then speak to us.

And to me the next step was to live out what I was thinking. But the constant questions I was having was, How do I learn to heal myself from this stress induced environment I just walked back into? How do I bring healing or this whole living to so many around the world? So I decided to bunker down in the States and get some more formal training. Which is why I am two months into a Massage and natural healing school in Asheville. I am so in love with this decision. I have learned so much so far. I can't even believe where I have come in these past three months. I am learning what heals, what helps people slow down, how you can achieve that whole living. My mind is blown at how everything is piecing together for all those questions I was asking earlier in the year.

To just top it off I'll tell you about this situation that happened when I was working at the coffee shop that I work at before I go to school at nights. Where I was reminded of all the divine qualities that have been in this journey this year. This man stopped me as I was cleaning tables and said he wanted to share something with me. I was really taken off guard, I thought at first he was gonna ask a coffee question, like can I have more sugar or where is the cream? But he looked at me and said I don't normally do this kinda thing, but my God, Jesus, wants you to know something. He said, He wants you to know that you are doing exactly what you need to do. You are exactly where you need to be. Your heart to heal and fight for people that need healing is so right. There will be a time very soon where you will walk into a place and people will think you are a god for the amount of healing you will bring to them.
My mouth dropped completely wide open. My eyes began to fill with tears, this man was sitting here telling me about specific things about what I did in Thailand, and what I want to do. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And the whole time I was thinking, don't cry don't cry, it's your new job, don't cry. But I will say, that man blessed me that day. I will never forget his boldness to speak God's promises.

Since we've been back in the States, life has just been filled with promises. Dreams and the idea of bringing wholeness and healing to people's lives has continued to pour on me. And the funny part about it all,  is this quest of finding wholeness to teach to others has brought about this sense of wholeness in myself. I am being wholefuly healed everyday.

I will be in school till February and beyond that I have not the slightest clue as to what's next. But what I do know is that my heart beats so rapidly when I get to live simply, when my time and efforts are surrounded around people instead of items. When I can heal someone with my hands on the table, bringing relief from this caged world we live in. To quiet my mind long enough on my yoga mat so that I can begin to hear my Makers voice. To walk with Him in the mornings and to begin to speak out my dreams of bringing whole living to others in this world who need it. For now that's all I know, and that is enough.

Love you guys so much!! Don't be afraid to fuel the fire, make it burn bright with your passions, and then dance around it beautifully and without shame.

Awakened and Alive

Well it's a new year, and with the new year comes new lessons and things that will hopefully push us to be better than what we are now. Since being here in Thailand, I have learned things and seen things that will stick with me until I die. I can say first hand that sometimes the world is just awful. It's hard and cold, and I look at people over here and some times think, Why does this happen? Why do they have to suffer? I have sat on the floor crying with little girls wondering why they had to go through what they've been through. I have held little babies in villages that are so small and feeble from hunger. I have seen what poverty can do to families by pushing them into things they wouldn't normally do. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I just cry at the thought of where my little Eden house girls used to be. This past year has definelty been a year of not just looking at the hardship from across the way but about once again letting it affect every part of me, emotionally and spiritually.

I've almost been here 2 years and it's like these lessons and life cycles come in waves. When you first get here, you're so pumped about new adventures, and new people, and you're just ready and willing to do anything. And about a year into it, you start to get tired of seeing all the bad, all the hurting. So somewhere along the way, your heart slowly starts turning cold. As if you don't want to hear it anymore. As if it's not right across the street. And you start building these walls. To where you find yourself locking out everything that brought you there in the first place. But then at another unknown point something happens a particular event maybe, and all of the sudden you remember why, you're there. And that baby you're holding isn't just another skinny underfed baby, it's a person, who could someday change the world. And then once again it's like this life force rushes into you, and all that joy and hope comes back. Purpose returns and you are filled again with enough love to spread to yourself and everyone. Awakened from this deep sleep you never even knew you were in.

This next year I want to be constantly washed over with purpose. I don't want a day to go by and at the end of it I say, well what did I actually do? I want new adventures and new people to love. I want to be so consumed with love. I want to hold that baby and see the person that she could be. There is hope in new life. There is hope in new beginnings. There is hope when you find yourself closed in by the walls you created. Break them all down again. Every last one. Feel again. Let the awful things of this world hurt you. Carry grace with you. It's a new year. So be washed in purpose, letting go of the numbness. Feel the heat, it is there. Add to the fire. Create your own fire. 2015 here I am. Raw. And very much awakened and alive.

Living in clouds

I think admiring the clouds for their beauty is needed. Looking at them, with all their fluffiness, sheerness, and magnitude is the perspective to take on. Living in them however can leave you in a scary unfamiliar place that was never intended to be lived in.

I was reminded of this about a couple weeks ago. Probably by far the hardest week I've had being here. Everything seemed as if it was wrong. Things that I try to keep separate and compartmentalized all seemed to clash into this one messy pot of disaster. I find myself wearing a lot of hats while living and working over here, and sometimes it is heavy and complex. And with that complexity comes a real need for understanding and being ok with the realities at hand. Sometimes this heaviness turns into us making up truths about all these things so that we can cope with the hard things. I found myself creating false joys to simply numb myself to seeing what's exactly in front of my face. The reality is that everyday I walk by someone hurting, starving, being abused, or neglected. The reality is that we are trying to get precious girls out of awful places. And the truth is that sometimes that gets real messy really fast.

And I found myself living in clouds all high on everything that's fluffy and shiny. I had forgotten the reality of what we are actually doing here. And a couple weeks ago all that was lifted, reality set in, and I saw once again why we are here. The complete messiness of it, I felt again the heaviness of it in my own personal life. And at first my head didn't like that now I wasn't living in the clouds with all things that are good. But then my heart remembered what it is to feel again. Numbness gone. Pain. Heartbreak, and in that moment I realized that this is where I'm supposed to live. I'm supposed to live in the reality where all the hurting is. But amongst all the hurting bring this unexplainable joy and love despite it all. Seeing the pain and feeling it, is ok, letting it creep into your actual daily life, is ok, wallowing in it, is ok. But that's not the end of the story. Your Maker offers this over abounding hope and redemption. When all you want to do is cry, somehow you get joy, because you know the ending to the story, and it's a beautiful one.

Lets stop numbing ourselves with artificial joys because we don't want to see the bad. Lets stop finding joy in things that are not eternal. Lets look at the bad, square on in the face. Lets not just cry but hurt and actually feel everything that the suffering are feeling. If we do that we will begin to look like that Man we claim to follow. It will go against everything we've been taught, but the hopeless will start to see that glimmer and true joy will be restored.

Unravelled

Sometimes it takes something really simple to snap you back into reality. Sometimes you're just going going and you forget to stop, evaluate, and look. And for me this weekend me and my long haired man took off on our motorbike, and while passing rice field after rice field, and mountain after mountain, it all kinda hit me on the back of that motorcycle.

I could've never told ya that we would be in Thailand doing the things we're doing. After graduation I would have never when asked what I was up to next,  have said oh I'll be in Thailand, loving, sweating, and feeding hope to some Thais. I mean it's almost comical of all the things that have happened from when I started college to finishing to now. I actually laugh out loud sometimes at how controlling I was, and how organized my life used to look. I mean I used to freak out about if my hair was gonna be dry before I left my dorm, now I freak out about whether or not my little Eden House girls are grasping how to love like Christ did. But that's the beauty of God's goodness, is that when everything you thought you have put together nicely, He will unravel it in seconds. I've come to realize that nothing I make can ever be as beautiful as something that God will make.  So I need to stop pushing for my own agenda. God knows the desires of my heart. Surrender people is where it's at. When you can sit back and say to God take this little life of mine, use, push, run, create whatever you want of it....that's where freedom is. And looking back on these past couple years, they have been filled with all sorts of goodies but also lots of tears, lots of building and rebuilding, lots of burning old and yucky, lots of planting, lots of renewing. But that's it isn't it. That's life. And driving on the back of that motorbike brought me back to that. Life is good, when it's in the Hands of the Maker. Let Him unravel everything you have planned for yourself, I promise it will be far more beautiful than anything you could have ever imagined. 

Not putting our foot in our mouth

Today I was reading an amazing blog entry from this woman who claims to be the very worst missionary. And what she said was very insightful as to a reality that a lot of time we choose not to see. I want to propose a challenging idea that might rub some of you the wrong way. And honestly I hope it does, because these thoughts definitely have me squirming.

Most of the time people have this perception of what life looks like for an overseas missionary. And I can promise you its not all digging trenches, feeding the hungry, and being selfless. Honestly and quite frankly there are days that I question if I'm being and doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I sip lattes, try to find air condition restaurants, go to the movie theaters, use my iPhone, go shopping way to often, and sometimes don't finish all my food. I'm tired of people not seeing if for what it is. Now in this honesty, I selfishly choose these things when my Thai brothers and sisters around me, sometimes go days without food. While some have had the same pair of pants for years, and I'm looking for my 20th pair. I advocate against child labor while wearing clothes that were probably made by these very children. 

Now are any of these things individually the thing that's bad......no. I love coffee, probably on an unhealthy level, but how can I enjoy this or that if my brothers and sisters can't. I mean if we're gonna step across the line people, we need to just step across it. We can't say one thing and do another. It's a contradiction, it's confusing, and a horrible example to others as to what this following Christ looks like. Now this is hard to hear, and we will make every excuse in the book as to how the two can go hand in hand, but I'm telling you right now, they never will aline. If we're gonna call ourselves Christ lovers then we must feed the sheep. And not a misrepresentation of who He was. Now this is a lesson that I will probably continue to learn and struggle with, and the contradiction lies even now as I write this in an air conditioned coffee shop drinking my latte. I'm just kinda tired of being fake. I want to give so much I have nothing left. I wanna love so hard, that there is nothing left of myself. I want to be hungry with my brothers and sisters. I want the lines of class and wealth to disappear, and the only thing uniting us is that we have the same Maker. If it means not wanting things to erase those lines or giving everything till they disappear, I will do it. Sometimes you have to just look at it for what it is. There should be no distinction between people. Some should not live in big white houses, while some live in cardboard boxes. I shouldn't advocate and then turn and put my foot in my mouth by buying and funding it. In my life I want there to be no confusion as to who I belong to. This is something hard to hear for many, but together lets make it undeniable that Christ is our King and that we take His words seriously. 

Bananas and puzzles

So we've been back in the swing of things here in Thailand, except for the massive earthquake we had and the military coupe, everything is somewhat back to normal. Our girls are back from their villages and with them came a new little one. She is four and about the cutest thing you've ever seen. Her name is little "Bee" and boy I'll tell ya she's a stinger.

The first night of having this new little one, we noticed that she had this awful rash and open sores over a lot of her body. She wouldn't go to sleep, because she was itchy. Now I don't know about you but this is probably the worse thing ever.....when you've got a rash, it's 102 degrees outside, you have no air condition, and youre trying to sleep. Not a good combination, and to top it off she's surrounded with all these people she doesn't know and in a place she's unfamiliar with. Naturally my instinct is to help, I mean this poor baby girl is miserable. So I go get some itchy benydryll spray to maybe help her stop itching so she can go to sleep. Well I bring her over to me with everyone watching trying to figure out what to do, and I start spraying the rash. She jumps up, and starts screaming holding the area I had just sprayed. I was flabbergasted. I don't remember itchy spray ever stinging that badly. I mean she keeps crying. She's wailing. She is over in the corner not coming out because the foreigner sprayed her with something that felt like fire on her skin. Needless to say after that moment I was like the plague to her. Anytime she would see me, she would run in the other direction. She was so scared of me, because I was the bad lady.

I felt awful, all I wanted to do was help, but she didn't understand that, she just knew I had caused her pain. So about a day ago, I was determined to win back her trust and hopefully her love. I mean she's so cute, it's awful being hated by someone so cute. So I went and got a puzzle and opened up my door to my room. I sat on the floor and started eating a banana I had brought up to snack on. And before I knew it she was walking by my room. At first she just walked by very quickly. Then I couldn't believe she walked by again, but a little slower and saw the banana I was eating. But kept walking. The next time she stopped right at my door, and I decided to go out on a limb. I held out the banana and said in thai, " aow mai?" Which in thai means, you want some? And she just looked at me and sat down right at the edge of my room, right in the doorway. Still afraid she reached for the banana and started chomping away. So I decided to start playing with the puzzle by myself. She just watched me trying to figure me out. When I looked at her and asked her if she wanted to play with the puzzle. She just starred then scooted closer and closer. Before I knew it, we were talking, putting the puzzle together, and laughing. After that we were like best fiends, holding hands and all.

In writing all this I learned a simple lesson through precious Bee. That people are normally won by the most mundane things. For Bee it was a banana and a puzzle. But in saying that people are also not won by the simplest things. Me spraying that on little Bee summed up her opinion of me. I was bad. But giving her a banana and playing a little puzzle game showed her I wasn't. We need to always be careful on how we treat others, good intentions or not. Doing small things for people will always pay out. So today do the small things, do them with love, because the small things win hearts.

Life speakers

It seems to be that no matter what I do here, my heart and my everyday life seem to always collide into this beautiful mess that becomes this reassurance that I am doing what I’m suppose to be doing.

As a teacher in a foreign country, daily I am faced with things that might seem strange or unfamiliar but in reality, it is considered so normal or mundane to my students. For instance, I am teaching my students about Global issues, things such as Aids, HIV, human trafficking, wars and internal conflicts, and refugee camps to name a few. And this unit is hard to teach not only because there is a language barrier as far as trying to communicate the right information but also that some of these subjects are hard to discuss. So the other day I’m prompting my students to think of one issue that they do not like in this world. And then come up with one solution as to what they think the solution should be for the problem.

Now I had a variety of answers from bad things such as rape, war, child soldiers, hunger, poverty, and orphans. But the one that jumped off the page and into my heart was the answer of this little girl who said…. “I do not like when bad man take advantage of little girls.” Now most of you know my heart, and this is it. That is one reason why I live and work also at Eden House, which is a prevention home to help stop this.

So automatically my heart went out to this little girl. Here one of my students completely separate from my work with Eden house is being affected by this vicious cycle. And then my thoughts were, “wait, is this happening to you? Where did this happen? I’m gonna find who did this to you and go make him make things right! I will stop bad men like this! I will make them pay!”

But then I looked down at her answer for the solution to this horrific problem that seems so prevalent here, and it was this, “ Just tell the bad man to do great things instead.” That simple. Tell him to stop and do great things instead. Her solution to this problem is to speak life even into the filthiest of people. To speak life. She didn’t say, create more laws to stop pedophiles. She didn’t say go do harm to him in revenge for what he has done to her. She didn’t say beat him till he has learned his lesson. She said to speak life into him so that he becomes a better man.

Now I don’t know about you, but this cuts straight to my soul. This makes me rethink everything I used to think about these kinds of situations. This kind of wisdom astounds me to have obtained it at such a young age. But its not just wisdom, it’s a love and outlook that humanity can be better. Sometimes we make things so hard. We want things to be better or we want to help out here, or do this or that to make the world a better place. But honestly it is quite simple. We have to speak life into each other. We have to believe that even though we are covered in all the mud that we can still be washed off.  The American church today needs to grasp this small little concept spoken by a little Thai girl half way around the world. We as the church need to be life givers, life speakers, and life dwellers. Even to the muddiest of people. Even to the ones that don’t deserve it. Christ washed us. So we need to wash them.

Being in this land has made me realize that love will always win no matter what battle it is. We may think to stop evil you have to have extensive plans elaborate with charts and statistical numbers, but in reality its quite simple. Love. Speak life. And love some more.

Love

I am humbled daily being around a love that constantly is pointing me back to my King. These people understand the love of the Father and some don’t even know Him yet. And to me that is so heart wrenching that it makes me squirm at the thought. Here I am a follower of this Christ, and I’m surrounded by people who understand the Kingdom better than I’ve learned in all my church saturated years.

I look at a little girl, and because of her circumstance has no right as a Thai citizen, forced into poverty, and desperate to even survive. Who’s mom wants to sell her to an older man just simply for extra money that month. And after escaping that fate, is yet faced with another tragedy again and again that will end with tears and brokenness. Everywhere this girl turns she is faced with people who will not fight for her, but people that continue to use her. 

And yet despite it all, her heart continues to love. She would give anything for the family that attempted to sell her. She will love them till they leave this earth. And it’s not just a love that says, “I love you.” But it’s a love that speaks. A love that looks like something. And to me, it’s the most humbling thing I’ve ever seen in my short little life. It’s the kind of love that when you see it, it makes you fall down in the dirt and just cry that hopefully one day, with God’s grace, that I could show love like that.

You see the problem is that I’ve come from a culture that doesn’t necessarily value an action of complete and udder love. To where if someone tried to sell you for money, where you would be raped daily, impregnated, forced to mother a child, while you were still a child, broken among many things...... Would you still love them and come back for the people that sold you into that? Honestly I think, no I wouldn’t. I would never go back to them. I would never show them love ever again. Some of us would go so far as to try to repay the ugly they gave to us.

And people……being here and seeing……I can say these precious little girls look more like the Father than I ever will.  I pray that wherever this finds you that you can feel the love these girls show and pour out. It is life changing. It is tear jerking. It is soul captivating. And this is what my King said to look like. Through the brokenness….through the sometimes disgusting parts of life, to make your love look like something. Love the ones that you can’t. Love the ones that hurt you. Lets set down what we’ve always been told is honorable and right. And begin to look like this King we serve.

New Year new lessons

Another year has passed by and with every little event, smile, and breath I am continuing to learn on this journey that always brings me back full circle. I am totally beyond how words can express the happiness and joy in my heart at what God is doing to this weak little life of mine.  I have found that sometimes it is better to just sit and sit and continue to sit instead of speaking about it.
However today I will speak.

When first moving to Thailand you think living in a foreign country you are constantly looked at, talked about, and starred at. You are the one that doesn't fit, that looks differently, and who will always and forever be the odd ball. But being in this beautiful land for almost a year now, I feel more at home now than in the place I grew up. And part of me doesn't like that......but then I realized that this weird occurrence is because my heart and soul are made for this simple, non glamorous, non trendy, dirt road kinda lifestyle. I cannot deny it any longer. Happiness dwells within because my soul aches for it. I love coming home to a bunch of girls running around outside, climbing in the trees trying to cut down bananas. I love going into the hilltribes and having a meal on the dirt floors with beautiful people. I love the line of ants that loves to keep me company in my room. I love when the water goes out and you have to go to bed all stinky and gross. I love that my husband brings me home a rose he got in the hilltribe mountains instead of diamonds. And honestly I don't know how to explain this shift in thinking accept for the grace of God. But I can tell you that I am more happy now than I ever have been!

Now this doesn't mean that everything is all peachy easy here on the other side of the world. We still deal with moral issues and things that taste sour in your mouth. And there are times you might want to walk away from all the things we as stupid humans mess up. But then where would we go? We as humans will always mess it up, but it's putting your feet down, slowing down, and trying to always come back to those 'red letters' that brought you here to start with. Over here, it's easy to get this mentality of patting yourself on the back, like " good job, Gabby, look what your doing. You've given up being comfortable, your family, and what you're used to, to do what you're doing". But this is when I have to look back at those 'red letters' and then I realize.......it's not about the numbers, it's not about the quota, it's not about what you gave up to be here. It's about that one little smile you get. The chance of a little girl's life looking different enough to bring the Kingdom to her own people. And for that......I stay. I love till my eyeballs can't stay open. Wake up and do it all again the next day.
Happiness comes to the ones seeking truth. And not truth that you've always known, but new truth that you never knew existed. There happiness lies. There unspeakable freedom lies.

Life and a bunch of random goodies

Oh My!!! Things have really been crazy since my last blog. So where to begin, I have a hard time even now putting together my thoughts. (so sorry this might be a random one)

First things first, with all of God's goodness, Jake (my handsome bearded husband) has landed in Thailand. And I can't begin to describe in words how happy I am. We've done this long distance thing before, but quite frankly I'm not a fan of it. But all in all, he is here soaking up this new very different Thai lifestyle, that I believe is beginning to win his heart. And I won't go into a million details about how he got to be here in Thailand, but I will say he has taken an opportunity to work with an amazing organization dealing with human trafficking here in Thailand. Now, he would hate to know I'm writing about his stuff, but good gracious God is good.

Other things......my beautiful sister got married and moved back to Asheville! I mean my baby sister, is a MRS!!!! That in and of itself is craziness. But I am so happy for them, and with everything in me I wish I could have made it back for that beautiful day.

Also other things......the girls are back and school has started up, so many trips to school have been in the making. And let me remind you.....opposite side of the car, opposite side of the road, and stick shift. Definitely had my practice sessions on the back roads. The village people probably think I'm crazy. (No, I know they think I'm crazy!) But with all the practicing, I'm starting to get the hang of it......and I know my dad is shaking his head right now, in disbelief considering he was the one that was practicing with me on our manual VW bug months before I left for Thailand. (Hehe!) Honestly though, I really am getting the hang of it.

Also went running in the village a couple days a ago, and two mangy dogs came barking out at me. Your first instinct is to run away and try to out run them, but after the one white dog got a hold of the rubber on the back of my shoe......I turned around and started screaming at them, and kinda charging back at them. Needless to say they stopped in their tracks, because of the weird human barking back at them. After that I think I'll start carrying a stick.

All in all.....and I knew this would be a random blog, still trying to sort out stuff in my head..... but Thailand continues to win me over, I am blessed beyond belief, and God is good. He is always good! Pray in this season that discipline for the search of His Spirit sets in, and that a greater knowledge of purpose is revealed to me.  Pray for my girls that they will study hard in school. That they will learn to know the Father's heart. Pray for the men they will marry, who will lead them in their marriage. What I've learned recently is that sometimes life can be a bunch of jumbled up events, that seem mind crowding. But under it all, after taking moments to sit and reflect, The Father's hand is always there. Many hugs and kisses form the land of Tuk Tuks and Mango sticky rice! Love yall!

Pray for rocks

People ask me often, what do you need prayer for? and a lot of times it simply are the things that usually I struggle with on a day to day basis. Like trusting God fully with everything, waiting on God, and sometimes I just need people to ask God to allow me to have patience with everything and for everybody.

But today, I need prayer that (and I know this will sound random) but I need prayer that God would send rocks. I told ya....random.....but I really feel like the girls at Eden House need a place where they can go and seek after God's face. A quiet oasis where they can actually spend time alone with their Maker. Growing up with 30 plus girls does not always ensure a time where they can reflect and spend 'alone' time with God. So creating this space or Garden of Eden would provide the opportunity for that. After brainstorming, we think having a fire pit, with maybe some stadium type seating, and some Thai style lounge seats would be awesome. When looking at what we would need, it's a bunch of rocks for the fire pit and mural patio flooring. Also we would need bamboo, but being in Thailand bamboo is everywhere, so that won't be a problem. 

Honestly this is something I feel like God would smile over, so when you pray, pray that He would send rocks. As simple and random as that may sound, that is what we need. We serve a Big God that takes simple things and makes them great. A little garden doesn't seem like much but when it promotes depth and yearning for their Maker, it means a lot for the Kingdom. So when you pray today....pray for rocks. 

Small Blessings

Yesterday I was blessed to be able to go back to Mae Sai Thailand, where two years ago the stunning 6.9 Earthquake hit with us being only 15 miles from the epicenter. Now some of you might remember that time when I was here in Thailand, and my blogs explaining what had happened and such. And actually through God's beautiful plan how the earthquake brought me to Eden House, which is where I am today.

But I want to bring back the memories of that night when everything turned upside down, and a little boy walked into our lives. His name is Abbabba and he is from Burma, who comes sometimes to the Thai side to beg and receive food from the Drop in Center. There was something special about this boy, something that I can't really explain even to this day. He is deaf, so communication was very limited and consisted of mostly hugs, nods, and smiles. On the night of the Earthquake, he happened to be near the center, and came running for protection and safety. Not understanding or knowing what happened, he clinged to our arms as we tried to decide what to do. After waiting many hours on the street our contacts thought it best that we be evacuated out of the city, which meant that precious Abbabba would not be able to come with us. There were many road blocks where we were going and with him being Burmese, it would not be safe for him to try to sneak in. So as we loaded the truck, he looked at us confused and puzzled. We tried to explain that we had to leave, but words were meaningless. The truck started to drive away, and my heart began to drip with pain, as he grew smaller and smaller in the distance. My thoughts were, "Would he be ok?" "What if he thinks we abandoned him?" In a couple passing days, we decided as a team to go back to Mae Sai to try to say good bye to the kids before we left for our next destination. Everything in me wanted to see Abbabba to make sure he was ok, and to hug him one last time. He walked into the center and sheer relievement and thankfulness overcame me, that he was safe. Even though it's been two years when I think of Mae Sai, I think of many things but mostly, the Earthquake and Abbabba.

Which brings me to today. When arriving in Mae Sai yesterday, I was filled with almost nervousness as to maybe being able to see him again. But my head doubted, "What if he doesn't remember me?" "What if something bad has happened to him over these past two years?" And so part of me began to doubt a little that I would even get to see him. As I walked down the street, that leads to the Drop in Center, I was so excited, I thought my skin was gonna jump off me and run there. And as I turned the corner, the gates were closed, and a sign was up saying that they will be closed till April 19th. My heart sank, and I almost said out loud..."Told ya so...." So I decided to just walk around and look at all the shops and items for sale. Time passed, and once again, wanted to check the Center to see if anybody was there. Nobody. So I started walking up to the gate and bridge that separates Burma from Thailand. Just taking in everything, watching people try to jump the fence, older ladies begging for money. Little kids begging for money.....and all of a sudden, I looked over and I saw a face I can never forget. As I continued to stare at him, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that.....that was Abbabba!! He crossed over the road and our eyes finally met. He just starred right back, until finally a little smile. I motioned for him to come over, and coming over rather quickly he ran to the fence. I put my hands up on the chained links, and he put his small little hands up trying to grab mine. Right then and there, my eyes filled up with tears, and I began to point to the Center. I said "Abbabba", and he just shook his head. He then motioned like everything shaking, meaning the earthquake, and I knew he remembered. There in front of me was that precious boy that captured my teams heart. There was our Abbabba, alive and well.

God's timing is impeccable and perfect in everyway. I cannot choose to think any differntly. Time and again God has shown me this, and yesterday was another simple reminder of that. Beautiful is the God who orchestrates this thing called life. Beautiful are His ways. Seeing Abbabba has challenged me to once again fully trust and hope that God knows and sees all. When I saw Abbabba, I think of hope and God's power used through this little boy. Pray that God would protect him. Pray that God moves in and through him. Pray that this little deaf boy will change the nation of Burma. We serve a powerful God that uses unlikely things to bring about His glory. I cannot choose to see the world any differently. Once the heart has seen, there is no other life outside of truth. Blessed are we!

Change is a comin

This is something that has been on my heart over this past week, and it's something that I believe if we grow to adopt to have priority in our own lives than we would begin to see the world change. I want to start by telling you about this beautiful daughter of the King of Kings, that has left a huge imprint on my heart. She was one of the original seven girls at Eden House, when Vern and Audrey first started this ministry. So she has been and seen it all from the beginning. And I have had the privilege to spend some time recently with her, while she is home from university, and our conversations have been so full of the Spirit and eye opening for me, that I can't help but share.

She was born in the Northern Hill tribes of Thailand, and a huge percentage of these people are not even accepted as Thai citizens. Which means they will never be able to own land, drive a car, or get an education past the 9th grade to say the least. These people are ostracized and neglected. Having this assumption about them makes life that much harder for these people who already have many things against them. Injustice, corruption, and evil found their way into these areas, because of lack of opportunity and education.

I asked her about her life at Eden House, and when talking about her time here, her voice is filled with so much thankfulness and gratitude. She explained to me that if she hadn't come to live at Eden House, she probably would have had to get married at a young age and start having children. She also said that the risk of something very bad happening to her would have also been high. The knowledge that her future would have not been the same is something very real to her. And as I listen to her story, I think of all the girls that have never been given the chance of this opportunity, and my heart aches. Then she says something to me so raw and captivating that I almost want to start crying. She says, "If you treat people as they are, they will remain as they are, but if you treat them for what they could be, they will become what they can be". And as I heard the words, the symbolism in that moment almost overwhelmed me. Here is this beautiful woman, who from birth was dealt a card of hardship, who had the opportunity for someone to come into her life and tell her she could be more. And look at her, she is in University, about to graduate, and have a life outside of forced marriage, prostitution, or slavery. That in and of itself is so beautiful, that I could just weep because of God's glory in it. And then she has the wisdom to grasp a concept that a lot of people have not grown to understand. So I asked her what she wants to be when she grows up, and at first she says, "I don't know." But then I say, at the end of your life, you could stand before your Maker happy and fulfilled because of doing......what?" And she then said, "I want to help people see that they can be more and realize what they could do." And at that I felt like my soul was about to burst into happiness. The world WILL change! If we start seeing the potential in people instead of what society says about them. The world WILL change if people are given affirmation about how Christ sees them. The world WILL change if we choose to sacrifice self for the progress of others. It will change. Her story has pulled the strings of my soul into action beyond what I even think is capable, and it's something that if we accept as priority I believe our Maker will smile down on us. A famous man once said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." And I would say, "The people will change, if you see them as changed." God is working. My perspective is changing. And through it all, God is good.

Status Quo

I was asked the other day, what is it exactly that I do here at Eden house, and at first my response was a little filled with just jibberjabber. But as I thought about what I actually do, it's not really something that will fit into a neat and tidy status quo box that we've created in society. So.... I will try to answer but everything in me, just wants to say.....I am simply living life with this beautiful family. Everyday looks different. Every little thing we're trying to bring the Kingdom to the girls. It might mean I play a board game with the girls, that I paint 200 plus fingers and toes with nail polish, that I wash Apheridii's hair who has been recovering, or that I simply might talk with the Founders, Vern and Audrey, about how God has blessed their lives. There are not any concrete schedules, I guess you could say, besides love till your eyes can't stay open. Wake up and repeat. This is a slow life, where the little things point you to the Creator in a way that seems to pierce your inner most being every time. And most of you know that I can have this mentality of Go Go Go, and however despite all that, this just feels so right, and so close to the Father's heart. It always seems to me that whenever we slow ourselves down do we start to see the Spirit, feel His hand, and begin to smell the fragrance of God's presence in your life. So today, slow down. Bring the Kingdom, to the least of these. Lets forget about the status quo of life and start focusing on the words of Christ by loving till it hurts and forgetting what the world wants from us.

Growing Love

Well, so much has happened since my last blog and so many lessons and things that I have learned simply from living this thing called life. On monday morning we got a call from one of our beautiful girls that she had been hit by a car while driving her motorcycle to work. My heart kinda dropped and my first reaction was, is she okay? Yes, she had been brought to the hospital but information was very vague through it all. So we got in the car and headed over to the hospital where we found out that she had been brought up to the OR for surgery. Once again my heart dropped. My thoughts were, well it must be bad if she has to have surgery. So we go up to the OR, and see her laying in the bed, very scared and still shaken up from the entire thing. We begin to pray over her, for healing and just the calmness of His spirit, and little tears begin to fill my eyes. I have been given a love for these girls in just a short amount of time. A love that is hard to explain, accept that it must be God given. I was concerned for her as if she was mine to take care of, and didn't really even know I was capable of these types of things. However through it all she has been a trooper, and came through surgery and is now still recovering in the hospital.
On Tuesday we had to leave for Chiang Mai for our family vacation, where the girls went to a camp, and then we took them to the Chiang Mai zoo. At the camp, they had a section where they taught the girls about social problems in Thailand. And these issues covered, drugs, prison, aids, and abortions to cover the least. And during this session the man wanted the girls to pray and thank their mothers for giving birth to them, and going through with it. And I looked over the crowd and most of them were holding their faces, and crying very queitly. And I realized that some of these girls have never been given the chance to meet their mom. And some come from very hard situations that seem unfair and unjust. After the session, we all walked out, very quietly and very broken. My most cheerful girls, had no smiles, and the giggles were turned into a sea of quiet stillness. My heart was broken for these girls, and all I wanted to do is crawl into a room and just cry. And through my small amount of Thai and broken english, I try to make sure they are ok. And they all respond with yes, ok, good.
Within these past few days, my heart for these girls has grown from wanting to help, to needing to love on them till there is nothing left. Sometimes I forget really what they have been up against and what they have been through, because of all the giggling, smiling, cheering, and spunkiness. My desire for them to know true love, respect, and God's Spirit has grown leaps and bounds. There is no turning back. This is not something thats good, this is something thats imperative. This is not mission work, this is life. Love speaks us into action. I will act in love, because that is what I'm called to do.

Landed

Well I have landed in this beautiful country where things just seem to make sense for me. And everything that I once remembered came rushing back, from smells, to the way the morning sky looks when the sun rises. I have already fallen again for these people that love beyond boundaries and it makes me laugh. At first, I was a little anxious and nervous like anything, but know now that this is where I need to be. I just want God to move, I want God to allow blessings in this new journey.
Upon arriving after being here only a couple days, a phrase was said, that now has new meaning to me. She was talking about the desires of her heart. And for the first time, I considered what the desires of my heart truly are.....and I can say I am in it. Walking in it, loving in it. God is here, moving and working and beginning to beat those battle drums. Souls are being won, darkness is losing in Asia, and Light is being spread. New things are always scary at first but claiming victory is part of winning the battle. So wherever you are, claim it today. Christ has already won it for you. So don't walk around in chains that He's already broken, run, run in freedom.

Chained Up Love

Well, my ticket has been booked and in one week I am off to the beautiful land that ruined me for the good. I am beyond excited and filled with so much joy that it's beginning to seep out of me. However with all the joy also comes a little sadness with leaving some people behind. Which brings me to this thought that has ultimately bothered, hurt, and frustrated me to a point of now ranting.
I think its funny how people think that love is supposed to act a certain way. And if it's anything outside of the norm than it gets questioned. When looking at the life of Christ and the love He had, it was selfless, everything about it. And I think we all to easily fall into the idea that love requires chaining each other down. But yet Christ died for the sake of freedom. It does seem a little contradictory. So my question is that if your relationship is supposed to exemplify the love Christ has for his church, then why are suffocating each other? And why is anything outside of that looked at as crazy? Now this may be a little uncomfortable for some, however we were never called to a life of comfort. So me leaving to go to Asia which is something I feel so compelled to do, while my husband waits to hear from His Maker seems crazy, but should it? Love sometimes can be confusing because we let emotions filter in, but from the actions of Christ it seems quite simple. Until we as a people start really understanding that love moves past the boundaries we gave it, we will never truly love how Christ intended it. So lets unchain each other, walk in freedom, and see what happens.

Surrendering to Design

It's funny how journeys begin and how they press on. The combinations of events that change and mold you. It's almost like certain things were placed there for the sole purpose of direction, mold ability, and design. But no matter how perfect it seems to line up for us, there will always be that part of you that wants to resist design. That tries to convince you that comfort is what is wanted. But if our heart is in our head, than we should crave that design like a starving child. We should drip and reek of passion that is so contagious it overwhelms. Knowing this then, the only question left is, what is your design?

Life is not about coincidences, but about seeing through the pain and smiles and what it's leading you to. Your design is like a magnet every pulling you in. And yet, despite the powerful properties of a magnet, we still choose to fight it. And we wonder why we are so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been resisting that pull, without even knowing it. So I've reached a point where exhaustion has set in and surrender is inevitable. I'm going to fall towards the pull of my designer and continue on this journey. I am headed back to Asia mid March to work with a girl's home I have become burdened for miles away, and I cannot begin to explain my excitement, happiness, and nervousness of following what I feel like for the first time is part of my design. My life has been a series of events that maybe just maybe have led me to this. The permeation of my soul and the surrender to my design. As for now that is all I know, a small truth I will hold onto ever so tightly.

New Year Craziness

It's the new year and with that comes wanting to sharpen and better oneself. There is just something about starting fresh and wanting to try again at the things we probably screwed up last year.......that drives people mad. Craziness is in the air, from wanting to be healthier, smarter, and even more (I guess you could say) spiritual. All these things we want to be. To be better at. But it seems like they are all things that we 'want'.
Right now I am working in a juice bar for a health store.....so I am a personal witness to the increase in number of people's interest in fresh juices and wanting to be healthier.  And today, as I was fulfilling my normal juice duties....a beautified soul was talking with me and at the end of our conversation that consisted of mainly juice, she said these words that honestly kinda stuck. They were not words like everyone else says which usually are, "Happy New Year, hopefully you get what you want this year." She said to me......" I hope this New Year brings the things you don't even think you want, may it be blessed and beautiful." So I began to think about.....the things I don't think I want? What could that be? And then I began to think that was exactly it. All the things we usually shy away from, are the things that sharpen us and mold us. How can one know pleasure without first experiencing pain? So I have to ask you.....If you want all of the new things with the new year...... then sometimes you have to have what you don't think you want. It might take you down roads that seem the wrong way. So don't be afraid in this new start.....to take risks and get a little messy. My view of the new year has changed a little, in that instead of getting excited that I get to start fresh and new....I'm excited that I might struggle once again through some things because that is all a part of the refining process. I'll be honest, this past year has not been all sunshine and rainbows. For those of you that know me, can testify that this year has been the hardest challenges for me and Jake. Life has thrown us curve balls, and we still are somewhat sorting everything out from 2012. But it's funny, cause despite all the left turns when we thought we should go right......we grew and grew and grew. So, yes, want things for this new year, but also grow to accept the things you don't want.....because in reality they will lead to that end goal.

Permeate my Soul

So I have recently been given this eye opening-soul hurtin read by the wonderful Watchman Nee. I must say....at first it was something that I could kinda relate too, and saw the areas in which my life needed some altering. And it has formed into this soul wrenching....I cry on every page type of read. In this book....Release of the Spirit, Watchman Nee describes us as a three part being, body, soul, and spirit. Usually we live out of our soul, letting things like our mind, will, and emotions govern our every move. But until we let our Spirit move and permeate the soul.....we will never reach the place where we are supposed to be. Now for me....I like to reflect and look back, not to think 'what if' and wonder, but to see if there is fruit. And as I read this book, it seemed that I was living in the soul. Now living in this realm can kinda be deceiving because good things can happen here. You can look like you got it all together, shoot for things that others aren't, and accomplish a lot. But if the Soul is not permeated by the Spirit, His Spirit more importantly we have failed. So I have reached a new low, in that it doesn't matter if my soul wants to free the oppressed, fight for injustice, and will all these good things. If I'm not permeated by HIM....I am lost. Religion kinda screws it up in that....this Maker of All wants simply a prayer. No, He wants to permeate you in such a way, where you get lost in finding you in Him. Total Surrender.